Falling In Love With The World, Life, and Myself

Posted by Marci on Dec 2, 2010 in | 0 comments

Six months before I made my list, I’d awakened in the middle of the night startled by a dream. I’d been on a plane that shook with turbulence as it descended too quickly. The passengers screamed, but I was unafraid. Upon landing safely, my luggage was missing and I was in the wrong place. I was unafraid because I knew that no matter what happened everything would be okay. The dream changed and I was in Italy sitting at a banquet table filled with rich foods, surrounded by people I’d just met. I felt alive and in love with life. When I woke from the dream, I could still taste chocolate as if I were rolling the creamy texture on my tongue.

Tears came to my eyes as I realized I wanted to be the person in the dream – unafraid and willing to be present. I longed to taste the world as deeply as I felt it moments before in my subconscious. Instead, I curled into my partner’s warmth and thought, but to have the dream I have to leave this safety. It didn’t matter that I lived in a place I hated, couldn’t recognize myself in the mirror, or felt angry all the time. I was willing to compromise my dreams for love.

Three weeks later, my life crumbled. I left my relationship and faced the deepest pain I’d ever felt – the realization that I no longer felt worthy of anything without his love. I’d wrapped my self-worth so deeply in how he saw me that I’d forgotten who I was without him. Over the next six months, my family fell apart, my brother almost died, friendships ended, and I was alone. I felt the turbulence of that plane and being in a place I didn’t know, but through it I found my strength.

Two years later I was hiking in the hills of Tuscany. Nothing about my life resembled who I was the night I had the dream. As I listened to music on my ipod I noticed that I was smiling with contentment. Happiness seemed to burst from every cell as I spun in circles down the hill. I’d spent a glorious month traveling through Europe eating decadent food, meeting new friends, seeing the sights and staring at art. I would return to my beautiful home, my friends, figure skating, dancing, and being wrapped in love. So many of my wildest dreams had come true.

Since making my list, my life has become an adventure filled with joy. I’m amazed every day at how much this world has to offer, from the kind people I meet, to the incredible scenery, to all the ways I can experience the world. There are hard times, but I know my strength.

The greatest gift of this journey is that I no longer compromise who I am to satisfy another. Losing myself wasn’t my former partner’s fault. I’m responsible for how I live my life and no one else can be blamed. For some reason I had to go through tremendous heartache in order to fall in love with myself, life, and the world. But the turbulence was worth it to taste the decadence of life.